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The Lost Diaries of Adrian Mole 1999-2001 - 1999-2001

21.11.2011
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: The Lost Diaries of Adrian Mole 1999-2001, Sue Townsend
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The Lost Diaries of Adrian Mole 1999-2001
Wednesday, April 12
I embarked on my new novel, Sty, today. Progress was slow. I only managed to write 104 words, including the title and my name.
Sty, by Adrian Mole.
The pig grunted in its sty. It was deeply sad. Somehow it felt different from the other pigs with which it shared a home. Look at them, thought the pig. They are oblivious to the fact that they are merely part of the food chain. The pig had felt discontented since it had glimpsed Alain de Bottons TV programme, Philosophy: A Guide To Life, through a gap in the pig farmers curtain. The wisdom of Socrates, Epicurus and Montaigne had brought home to the pig that it was completely uneducated and knew nothing of the world beyond the sty.
He glanced over at the sty where Pamela Pigg was grunting with pleasure as she stuck her hairy, wet snout into the trough. He had been in love with Pamela for years but now he wondered if she was his intellectual equal. There was something about her piggy eyes that repelled him
NOTES ON NEW NOVEL: 1. Should the pig have a name? 2. Should the pigs thoughts be in quotes? 3. Has the story got legs? Or is the main protagonist (the pig) too restricting a character, i.e. being (a) unable to communicate with the other pigs an (b) never leaving the sty?

Sunday, April 16
Pamela Pigg has just left this house after flying into a rage and accusing me of stealing her life and turning it into fifth-rate art. She read my manuscript of Sty which I had foolishly left on the kitchen table under a copy of Mens Health. As she ran to her car, I shouted, Im an artist. We must forage where we can for our materials.
Pamela shouted back, Im a housing officer. We must cancel the artists move to a maisonette as promised. I went inside and read page 124 of Mens Health bed-busting sex for my art, of course.
***
William begged me for 2.49 pounds today. He wants to buy a booster pack of Pokemon cards. When I refused, he burst into tears and threw himself down on the kitchen floor. Glenn came in and said, Youve gotta give im the money, Dad, hes lost respect in the playground.
Apparently, there are 151 characters in a set and William has only collected 37 of the most common. Glenn said, Its like, you know, wearing Marks & Spencers trainers, Dad? Glenn has never forgiven me. I once made him go to school in my old Marks & Spencer trainers when his own Nikes had disappeared. He still wakes in the night sweating and crying out for Childline.
Tuesday, April 25

My father begged me to help him escape from the hospital this afternoon. He said he is losing the will to live due to the lack of sleep and the pain from this bed sores. His false teeth have not turned up, despite a top-level internal inquiry. He is living on soup and porridge when somebody remembers to feed him. He is almost entirely helpless.
Personally, I blame Tania, his new wife, for his accident. My father is too old to be up a ladder trying to construct a Japanese-style pagoda under her exacting instructions. I have suggested to the rest of the family that we arrange a sota so that one of us is always in attendance at hospital meal times.
I rang Pandora at her Westminster office and asked her to visit the hospital incognito. I said that she should see the third-world conditions for herself. She said she would drop in if she could, but she was terribly busy with Frank Dobsons mayoral election. I laughed a hollow laugh and said did she realize it was the Anzac Day, the anniversary of a similarly doomed campaign.

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