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The Thousand Toes of Bliss -

11.10.2014
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: The Thousand Toes of Bliss, Dan Crawford
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The Thousand Toes of Bliss
Gloria was more flabby than really fat, and it took unkindness to call her ugly, exactly. She had rather lifeless grey eyes, stringy red hair, and that complexion that manages to look very white without looking quite clean. She had managed to look presentable, anyhow, in her high school graduation picture.
But she was not the catch of the year, and she knew it. Gloria never went along to those roller skating parties at the Cue; there were no steamy encounters after hours in the high school parking lot, that gravel bit that could be seen from the street. She used to stop for a while, walking home from her job at the hotel, and peer through the window at Hughes. Shimmering wedding dresses hung there on mannequins who, headless, were doing better than she was.
It wasnt that Gloria was in a hurry to marry and settle down. But she did want to have something to settle down from.
A guy whod take her out for a hamburger would do: she was willing to go dutch. But when she allowed herself to fantasize, there was Sam. Sam was a big, square Lutheran who worked out at the lumberyard, with his shirt unbuttoned down to here to show the curls on 1his chest. He did a lot of heavy lifting. Gloria had no real business at the lumberyard, but there was no law against browsing. She might decide to put a new room on the house, after all, if she ever had a house.
Sam was no blockhead, for all he worked with lumber. He knew who she was, and he knew what she kept coming around to see. And Gloria knew he knew this, just as she also knew he had lots better things to do. Shed see him at night all the time, driving off to some secluded spot with some other woman in his Mustang. And she couldnt blame him; blue eyes that gorgeous couldnt be blind, you know.
So she went on taking long walks and cold showers, and dropping up to the lumberyard once or twice a week to run her hands over sashes and doors.
Glorias long walks generally took her past the Cue, or Hughes, or the high school, or any of a dozen places she and Sam could have gone together. So her mental state at the end of a walk was very little better than when she started. One night she stood on the bridge, watching the sun set in the river. Really romantic for two, holding hands on the bridge, but dividing the number of people in half broke the pleasure into useless fractions. The sun vanished, her eyes narrowed, her face grew hard.
Finally a freckled fist hammered on the concrete rail. God, she moaned, couldnt you give him to me for just an hour?
Tell you what, said a voice behind her. If He doesnt answer, maybe we can talk terms.
Gloriad thought she was alone. She looked up into a face that made her take three steps back.
The woman was gorgeous, with lustrous black hair and great black eyes just a little slanted. Her gown was like something Gbriad seen only on TV, and fit her like water running down a mermaid. Her long nails were red, as were her eyebrows, the hoops that hung from her ears, and the tail that stuck out the back of the dress.
Gloria took another step back. Youre youre not
I am, though. The womans voice was like butter on corn. I just go around in male form when Im slumming.
Gloria had an idea she should be running right now, but Satan stood between her and home and, anyhow, she was curious. What did you mean about terms?
I thought if you wanted your Sam for more than an hour, Id let you have him, the woman replied, her tail waving lazily back and forth. But if an hours all you need, I really have better things to be doing.
Glorias eyes, which had gone wide, now became slits. What would I have to do in return?
Satan lowered her eyelids. Nothing.
Nothing? Why?
Satan turned around as if to walk away. Gloria hated her firm back and high buttocks. I just need to do a few favors, thats all. Satan looked back over one perfect shoulder. Business has been bad for me in Iowa, and this would be a way for me to get back on schedule in Delaware County.
You mean, Gloria began, you can
Satan put her hands on her hips and jerked her head back. Gloria blinked. And Sam stood between them, his eyes pointed straight ahead, across the bridge. He wore that lumberyard shirt and those old jeans that looked as if they might come apart any second if a lady was lucky.
Gloria took a deep breath. Just like that?
Just like that. What do you say?
What Gloria might have said was cut off by the sound of an approaching automobile. A yellow Mustang convertible pulled up the hill to the bridge, carrying Sam and his latest blonde, Josephine.
Gloria looked from the car to the Sam before her. I
This has to be His doing, growled Satan. I never said it would be the real Sam. But if thats going to be a problem
She nodded, and the Mustang jerked to a stop. Sam floated out of the drivers seat. Josephine screamed and jumped out of the car, the first time she had ever had to walk home.
Gloria looked back at Satan and found two Sams standing before her, in the same shorts and jeans. It was a trick! she exclaimed. That phony Sam wouldve taken my soul to Hell!
Well, yeah, said Satan. Thats business. But Ill give you a sporting chance. One elegant hand stretched toward the Sams.
Now, my Sam will give you a few good nights, and then lead you such a dreadful life youll go mad and kill yourself. But if you choose the real Sam, of course, he wont be under any obligation to have anything to do with you at all.
She turned to face Gloria, a warm smile spreading up perfect cheeks. So take your pick: a few nights with Sam, then hell on Earth and Hell after, or maybe nothing at all. You take one and Ill take the other.
Gloria looked from Satan to the Sams. You mean if I choose yours
Ill take yours. Satan licked her lips.
That was no choice at all. The wrong Sam would mean damnation for two, then. But which Sam was the real Sam? Gloria looked them up and down, but detected no flaws. Both those sturdy forms made her shoulders hang limp and her knees tremble.
She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, gathering strength for eeny meeny.
Her eyes popped open. Then she closed them again. She took the next breath all with her nose, her nostrils flaring. Sam on the left smelled of sweat. Sam on the right smelled of nothing at all.
Gloria put out her hand. Th-that one, she said, indicating Sam on the left.
Satans perfect nose wrinkled. Oh, very well. Lets go. And she was gone, taking with her Sam on the right.
The remaining Sam jerked a little, and then turned his head left and right. His head pulled back between his shoulders. Did I just see what I thought I saw?
I guess. Gloria looked into the big blue eyes and turned away. She had a shower to take.
A hand caught at hers. Theres a lot more to you than ever I guessed, said Sam. His free hand gestured to the Mustang still sitting on the bridge. You, er, need a ride someplace?
Gloria took another deep breath. Ill take a ride.
Sam led her forward. I know the place.
It happened, some years later, that Satan passed through town again, on the way to pick up some souls in nearby Ryan. As she sauntered past the Manchester Pharmacy, she felt a tug on her tail.
Gloria had lost a few pounds, but on her this looked bad. She had rings around her eyes that hadnt been there before. Behind her, in a fourth-hand station wagon parked at the curb, four children were shrieking at her, Mommy! I didnt do it!
That Sam, she rasped, is just about to drive me crazy. You couldve had the decency to tell me I picked the fake one.
Satan smiled. There was the slightest hint of sympathy on her lips. And so I would have, she said, if youd chosen that one.

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